


Mainline

by InTheCompanyOfDragons



Series: Haze series [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Sex, Smoking, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:52:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1917030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheCompanyOfDragons/pseuds/InTheCompanyOfDragons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Sam loses Jessica, and runs into some familiar faces in a small California town, and he turns back to old demons to find a way to be happy again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Mainline:  
To anyone else it had just been a normal Monday, people woke up, went to school or work, dreading the fact that it was the beginning of yet another week of endless work and boring assignments that may or may not be important for their futures. For Sam, it was the end of his life. He watched his future burn down, the woman he loved was gone, and here Sam was, sitting in a small hotel room, one that was almost identical to every room, in every state he had ever stayed in during the first eighteen years of his life. He thought that going to Stanford was his ticket out, that he would never have to stay in one of these rooms again, but he was wrong. It had been a week since that night, and he was travelling the same back roads of America, hunting monsters, and looking for their father, attempting to find some kind of clue as to what had killed Jessica and their mother. Sam had been having nightmares every night, and every night Dean would shake him awake, and Sam would turn away, not wanting to talk about what was scaring him. Dean walked back into the room carrying grease stained bags, which Sam assumed was filled with some kind of gross diner food that he didn’t want to eat. 

“Come eat, Sammy.” Dean said. Dean had been nice this week, so nice that Sam was sick of it. He just wanted Dean to act like his brother and stop treating him like he was going to break at any second, Sam just wanted to find some way to move on, to fill this gaping hole in his chest that he could feel bleeding and oozing every time he took a breath.

“I’m not hungry.” Sam replied. He didn’t want to eat, everything tasted like smoke and ashes, and with every bite he saw Jess die, with every swallow he heard her screams. 

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry, you haven’t eaten a meal in three days, now come eat this. I got you salad and some gross chicken sandwich that I’m sure you will like.” Sam groaned but walked over to the small table and sat down in one of the two rickety chairs. He grabbed the whiskey off of the table in front of him and filled his glass with the liquid. It burned his throat as he swallowed, and when he put the glass down, he saw Dean watching him closely, as he took his first bite of food, and Sam stared back, but Dean didn’t back down, he just continued to watch him. 

“Can you stop that?” Sam growled, Dean looked away but looked back a few minutes later. 

“Are you okay?” 

“M’fine Dean. Just leave it alone.” Dean nodded, and continued to stuff his face with the greasy bacon cheeseburger and chili cheese fries he had ordered and the two brothers sat for a while in an uncomfortable silence, each thinking about the events that had transpired. Dean couldn’t help but feel bad, he had wanted his brother back for so long, but now that he had him back, he wished he could give Sam back everything he had lost. “We should find you a suit or something.” Sam looked at his brother and frowned. 

“For what?” 

“Uhhh… Jessica’s funeral is in two days.” Sam sighed and stood up, throwing the rest of his food roughly into the trash.

“I’m not going.” Dean’s jaw dropped, and he put his fork down.

“What do you mean you aren’t going? You have to; her parents are going to want to see you aren’t they? And what about your friends?” Sam snorted.

“I’m not going to go to my girlfriend’s funeral and lie to everyone about how she died. Everyone can be pissed at me if they want to be, I deserve it, I got her killed. Besides, I’m mourning enough, I don’t need to mourn an empty coffin.”

“Sammy…” 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore Dean, we are leaving tomorrow. I’m going out, don’t wait up.” Sam grabbed his jacket, and walked out the door slamming it behind him, Dean sighed and finished the rest of his food, then sat on the bed to watch TV, because he couldn’t go to sleep, not until Sam was back, safe with him again.

Sam was wandering, he wasn’t sure where. He was walking around Palo Alto, taking in the place he had called home for four years. He went past the café where he had first met Jess, past the restaurant where they had their first date, and eventually wandered on to the beach, sitting down on a bench and he stared out at the ocean. Jess had one brought him here once, and they had stared at the ocean for hours. When he had first arrived at Stanford the water had brought him a sense of comfort, and a sense of freedom, and then later on him and Jess would often come here after exams or a rough day, just to sit quietly listening to the waves crashing into the sand. Now he felt like he was drowning in it, that it was this giant obstacle he could never cross, never crawl out of. It brought him no sense of calm or joy, he felt all of his dreams slip away as each wave went back into the ocean. He felt like he had sat there for hours, and he figured he should probably head back before Dean sent out a search party to look for him. He walked away from the beach, and back towards the city lights. A couple blocks from the motel, Sam saw a small convenience store and sighed, he walked inside and grabbed a cheap pack of cigarettes, and lit one as he walked outside. It had been years since he had touched one, it had been years since he had felt the need for one, but now he felt that pull, that need to make his brain a little fuzzy. He took a deep breath of smoke, and for the first time since the fire he began to relax. It was a strange sensation, as he took a deep breath of the smoky poison, he felt like it was cleansing the last of the smoke from the fire out of his lungs. He smoked three before he headed back to the motel, where he knew Dean would be waiting for him. He didn’t like when Sam walked around by himself at night, it was asking for trouble. When Sam entered the motel room Dean was sitting at the bed closest to the door watching the TV. Sam walked past him, and couldn’t see Dean but knew that as soon as he walked past him, Dean’s eyes followed him across the room, looking for any sign Sam was hurt, it was a big brother thing. Sam heard Dean sit up in the bed, and walk across the floor towards him, when Sam turned around Dean was standing two feet away from him, staring into his face.

“Jesus Dean, personal space?” Dean just squinted his eyes in a way that always made Sam feel like a little boy who had just got caught doing something bad, it was the same look that had always made Sam spill all his secrets when he was a kid. 

“You’ve been smoking.” It wasn’t a question, Dean knew, and for some reason even though Sam was an adult, it made him feel guilty that he had disappointed his brother.

“Okay?” Sam said, he wasn’t going to lie about it, he was a grown man, and he could do what he wanted without Dean’s permission. “Now, I am gonna go shower.” Sam turned away and grabbed some sweats out of his duffel, Dean grabbed him by the arm and swung him back around.

“Sammy… I know you’re sad, but please… don’t start doing that…” Sam ripped his arm out of Dean’s grasp and took a step back.

“Dean, don’t… please… leave this alone.” Dean watched Sam go into the bathroom, and sunk back into his chair. Sam was pulling away from him hard, and even though Sam had been gone for four years this felt different. When Sam left for Stanford it was out of anger, he didn’t want this life, and he was mad at their Dad. It took awhile, but Dean had accepted that Sam needed to live his life. This time Sam was right here with him, in the same room, driving with him in the passenger seat and Dean had never felt farther away from Sam. That hurt, when they were kids they only had each other, and Dean thought, foolishly apparently, things would be the same now, but it wasn’t. Sam didn’t want his help, but he couldn’t let his brother deal with this on his own either. It was engrained in him to help Sam; it was a big brother thing. But maybe he needed to look at this a different way, maybe he needed to back off and let Sam come to him when the time was right. Dean was pulled from his thoughts when Sam came out of the bathroom, his hair still dripping dark splotches onto the navy coloured t-shirt that he was wearing. It was Dean’s shirt; they really needed to get Sam some new clothes. 

“You going to bed Sammy?” 

“Yeah, want to get an early start tomorrow.” Sam sat back on the bed, but didn’t close his eyes.

“Are you positive this is what you want?” Sam stared at his brother hard and smirked sadly.

“I am positive none of this is what I want, but I also don’t want my life, and anybody else’s to cross over anymore. Me being at her funeral doesn’t make this any easier, it makes it harder, for everyone. Even if I went and held her mom’s hand and said I was sorry, and I sat with my friends and we talked about the good old days and how amazing she was, even if lying to everyone about how she died didn’t make me cringe and want to throw up, I am still going to end up leaving. So what is the point of it? Why go and give them some kind of weird hope that I will stick around and help them through this? It’s better this way.” Coming from Sam it was a speech, and it hurt Dean that Sam was being so negative, but Sam was right they were just going to leave so what was the point?

“Alright Sammy, we leave tomorrow.” Dean sat down on his own bed, and then turned back to his brother. “Sam?” 

“Yeah”?

“Just don’t start smoking a pack a day okay?” Sam laughed, genuinely laughed.

“I won’t Dean. I just needed to take the edge off.” Dean still didn’t like it, but everyone needed a way to take the edge off, if Sam needed to smoke a few cigarettes, who was he to judge? 

“Okay, goodnight little brother.”

“Night Dean.” Dean waited until he heard Sam’s breathing even out, before he went to sleep, but he wasn’t asleep for long before Sam started moaning and tossing and turning and Dean restrained himself from jumping up and waking him up, if Sam wanted to handle this by himself he should let him. He gripped the blankets hard as Sam began to scream Jessica’s name.

“Jess… Jess no!” Sam screamed, but he still hadn’t woken up. Sam then whimpered in a childish way. “Dean… please help…” Sam sobbed. That was Dean’s undoing, asleep or not, grown up or not, Sam was calling for his brother’s help, and that was not a call he could ignore, he never could, even when Sam was a toddler, and he scraped his knee and just needed a band aid. 

“Sammy, wake up.” Dean put a hand on Sam’s shoulder and shook him roughly, Sam shot up in bed, breathing heavily. “Sam, you with me?” Sam looked at Dean blearily, but his breathing got more frantic and choppy. “Jesus Christ Sammy, you have to breathe, you can do it dude, slow it down.” Sam shook his head wildly telling Dean he couldn’t take a breath. “Yes you can kid, come on.” For just a few minutes Sam grabbed the hem of his brother’s shirt and kept his eyes locked on Dean’s and did what he said, and Dean felt like a big brother again. After a few minutes Sam’s breath began to even out and he let go of Dean pushing back towards the headboard, folding his knees in two his chest, and made himself look smaller then anybody who is six foot four should be able to. 

“Are you okay kid?” Dean asked. Sam nodded, and pushed his sweaty bangs out of his eyes.

“Sorry…” Sam whispered. Dean chuckled. 

“You don’t have to apologize for that Sammy, you are allowed to freak out, I sure as hell did after Mom died.” Sam huffed.

“You were four Dean…” 

“So? Doesn’t matter if I was four or twenty, it still would have scared me, scarred me, so you are allowed to be afraid, but… you don’t have to do this alone either…”Sam sighed and rubbed at his neck. 

“I can’t… I don’t want to talk about this not right now.” 

“Okay, well if you ever do… look I know you aren’t a kid anymore but you can still talk to me.” Sam smiled through the curtain of hair that was covering his face.

“I know Dean.” 

“Alright, you gonna go back to sleep?” 

“Doubt it, I am wide awake now…”

“Well… do you want to get out here?” 

“Aren’t you tired?” 

“Nope, it’ll be light out in a couple hours anyway, if you aren’t gonna sleep might as well get a head start.” 

“Alright, lets go.” The two brothers got dressed, grabbed their gear and headed out to the Impala, and when they drove passed the Palo Alto sign Dean watched Sam out of the corner of his wipe a tear from his face, as he left the life he had built over the last four years behind him. Sam and Dean drove along the two lane blacktop for miles, with nothing but the familiar rumble of the Impalas engine to muffle the silence, and then just as the sun began to rise over the clouds, Sam fell asleep and Dean smiled. Sam had always been able to sleep in the car, even as a baby, so Dean yawned but kept driving, he would stop when Sam woke up, but for now Sam deserved some decent sleep. Sam slept for hours, and then around lunchtime he began to wake. He stretched and looked over at Dean sleepily, and Dean chuckled, Sam looked like a sleepy five year old in that moment. 

“You hungry Sammy? There is a diner up the road, figure we could stop there then stop at a motel, cause I am starting to get tired.” 

“Yeah sure, what time is it?” Sam asked rubbing his eyes. 

“Almost one.” 

“Jeeze, why didn’t you wake me up?” 

“You needed the sleep.” Dean pulled into the parking lot of the diner that was attached to an old run down motel that would be their home for the night. “C’mon Sam, food.” The diner itself was relatively clean as far as roadside diners go, and they had burgers and pie, that was good enough by Dean’s standards. Sam didn’t say anything, so he assumed that it was fine by Sam’s health freak standards as well. They grabbed a booth by the window and a waitress came by with menus. She was a tall skinny brunette and she had a hoop nose ring. 

“Can I get you guys anything to drink when you look over those menus?” 

“Yeah I’ll have a coffee black, Sam what about you?” Dean asked. 

“Water is fine thank you.” Dean went to say something to Sam when he noticed the waitress was still standing there, watching Sam closely. 

“Everything alright miss?” Dean asked. 

“Uh yeah, sorry… it’s just… are you Sam Winchester?” Sam looked up sharply at the girl, which suppressed Dean’s thoughts that this was probably someone Sam knew from the last four years at Stanford. 

“Yeah, I am… and you are?” 

“Sorry, uh we went to high school together.” Sam smirked.

“Sorry, I went to a lot of high schools, can you give me hint?”

“Yeah, I’m Ren, we went to school together in-“

“Arkansas.” Sam finished, he remembered her, he remembered the things that had happened in Arkansas, what he had done. Dean tensed up across from him, he didn’t like to think about that dark time in Sam’s life, it was a hard year, between withdrawal and the cravings Sam had from the cocaine. 

“Sorry, I didn’t recognize you without the purple hair and band tees.” Ren laughed. Sam looked Ren up and down, noticing the dark bruises under her eyes, and her rail thin body, she was definitely using, probably had been since high school. 

“Yeah…things have changed since then… so what happened to you? I mean one minute you were there and the next you were gone, Quinn was devastated.” Sam tensed up at the mention of his first serious girlfriend, the first girl he had ever loved. 

“Alright, I hate to cut this little reunion short, but this really isn’t a good time sweetheart…” Ren turned towards him and nodded.

“You must be Dean… alright, well hopefully I will see you later, Quinn starts work at five, you should pop in and say hi, I am sure she would like to see you, bye Sam.” Sam watched her walk away, and when it came time for them to order a different waitress came back. Sam was staring at the table and running through those few months in Arkansas in his head. They never stayed there again after that, John had always left them a state away when he had jobs there, as if the entire state was tainted by what had happened. 

“Sammy? You want to stay somewhere else tonight?” Sam looked up at his brother, who was obviously exhausted from driving while Sam was asleep in the passenger seat.

“No, its fine.” 

“Are you sure? Cause we have kind of avoided anything to do with that place…and the things that   
happened.” 

“You mean my drug problem? Come on Dean just say it okay, don’t tip toe around it.” Once Dean had gotten Sam cleaned up, they didn’t talk about it, except for the occasional bad day when Sam had to tell Dean he wanted to use again, and Dean had kept him busy until the urge passed. 

“Alright then, no more tiptoeing…” After lunch Sam and Dean went back to the motel room, and Sam took a shower. By the time he came out of the bathroom Dean was asleep in one of the beds. Sam shook his head and laughed, he knew Dean had been tired. Sam put on some clothes and went out into the parking lot to have a cigarette, while he was out there he saw Ren again, she smiled and walked towards him. 

“Seven years later and you are still smoking? To think you had never tried one when we met.” Sam laughed, it was true he had never smoked a cigarette until he met his friends in Arkansas. 

“Actually I quit a long time ago, this is pretty recent, want one?” He held the pack out, and Ren took one out and lit it. 

“So? Did you kick the rest of your habits too?” 

“Uhhhh… yeah. Haven’t touched anything in a long time…” 

“Good for you, I never had the willpower.” 

“Wasn’t exactly willpower, it was more like, my Dad and brother made me sweat out a nasty cure   
and then kept me away from it, how’s everyone else?” 

“I think Bryan got a football scholarship to Penn State, Blair and Patrick got married out of high school and then had a couple of kids, and then me and Quinn left a couple years ago, came to California and well we weight tables to pay the bills.” Sam sighed; he hadn’t thought about Quinn in a long time, it was easier not to think about it. 

“How is Quinn?” Ren quirked his eyebrow at him.

“You’ll have to ask her that yourself.” 

“I really don’t think that is a good idea.” Ren laughed, and smiled sadly at Sam.

“Sam, we were fifteen, I think she has forgiven you by now… whatever it’s up to you, so are you seriously living straight now?” 

“Yeah I am.”

“Well, here.” Ren pulled a small bag out of her back pocket and put it in Sam’s hand. “Just in case you need a pick me up.” Sam shook his head frantically.

“No, I don’t want it.” Ren smiled at Sam sadly.

“Sam look… I know we didn’t know each other all that well, but I see how hurt you are, that sad look in your eyes… be happy, even just for a minute. I’ll see you later.” Ren walked away and Sam was left standing outside the hotel and he shoved the bag into the bottom of the pack of cigarettes. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t just throw it out, but for some reason he couldn’t do it. Instead he put the pack of cigarettes in his pocket and walked back in the hotel room. Dean opened his eyes as Sam walked in, years of hunting experience keeping him from being able to stay asleep when someone was entering the hotel room. 

“You okay Sammy?” Dean asked sleepily.

“I’m fine, go back to sleep, I’m gonna do some research on Black Water Ridge okay?” 

“Mmm’kay.” Dean slurred and then rolled back over. Sam pulled out his laptop and began to research, all the while thinking about that little bag of happiness tucked away in his cigarette pack, and he couldn’t help but thinking he couldn’t talk to Dean about it this time. He was supposed to be over this, so what would Dean say if Sam told him he was having a bad day? No, Sam couldn’t do that. He would have to handle this himself. He left Dean a note saying he would be back when he was back, and not to worry then he grabbed his jacket and went back outside, noticing that Ren was standing outside the restaurant, he walked over to her and tapped her on the shoulder. 

“What’s up Sam?”

“You’re right, I’m not happy, and I need to be…” She smiled and grabbed his hand. 

“C’mon, lets go to my room.” Turns out Ren lived on the other side of the motel and Sam went in behind her, and looked around. The room looked basically the same as Sam and Dean’s, except darker and dirtier. Ren pulled off the sweater she was wearing, and for the first time Sam saw the track marks on her arms. 

“That’s how you take it now?” Ren laughed. 

“Hey, if you are gonna snort it, you might as well mainline, it feels so much better, I promise.” Ren’s hand was around Sam’s wrist and for just a minute, Sam seemed to lose all logic, he watched her load a needle filled with clear liquid, and let her sit him down on the bed. He was in a daze, knowing the feeling that was coming was exactly what he needed. He winced as the needle pierced his skin and he felt the liquid enter his veins, and it was like dull burning, warmth that felt great, yet he knew was wrong. “You okay Sam?” Sam smiled up at Ren who was laying beside him on the bed.

“Yeah… I’m good, never been better.” Ren laughed and lowered herself across Sam and gently kissed his lips. “What are you doing Ren?” 

“C’mon Sam, let me make you feel better.” Somewhere in his mind Sam thought about Jess, and how he shouldn’t be doing this, but the part of Sam that was affected by the drugs wanted it, and before he knew it he was kissing Ren back, and he pushed the guilt to the back of his mind, before stripping off Ren’s shirt.

Sam didn’t wake up until her heard his phone ringing, he groaned as he rolled over.

“Hello?” 

“Sam? Where the hell are you? You’ve been gone all night.” Dean yelled. Sam sat up looking for a clock but all he saw was Ren laying next to him guess that wasn’t a dream. 

“What time is it?” Sam asked.

“Seven thirty in the morning.” 

“Alright, I’ll be there in a minute.” Sam hung up the phone and ran around the room looking for his clothes, he had a headache and he was dazed. 

“Are you leaving?” Ren asked from the bed. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry…” Ren smiled and through on a pair of underwear and a tshirt.

“It’s fine, I am not much for relationships. Want a hit before you go?” 

“I really shouldn’t…” 

“That’s not what I asked, do you want one?” Sam caved and Ren gave him another hit, and he wiped the blood away from his arm. Sam felt that warmth again an instantly felt better. 

“I’ll see you around.” Sam said. 

“I hope so.” Sam rounded the corner and went back to his own room where Dean was sitting at the table, and he was obviously furious. 

“Where the hell were you Sam?” Dean asked. 

“Out.” Sam responded. “I’m gonna shower, then we can go.” Sam went to walk by and Dean grabbed him by the shoulder. 

“Where were you?”

“I’m a grown ass man Dean, piss off.” Sam yanked out of Dean’s grip, and Dean looked at him concerned. 

“Why do you smell like perfume? You were with a girl?” Sam shrugged his shoulders. “Dude, seriously? Jessica died a week ago.” 

“I’m aware of that Dean.” 

“So you woke up in another woman’s bed, on the day of her funeral? Nice Sam.” 

“Shut up Dean, I don’t need the lecture, I needed to get my mind off it. Don’t get all high and mighty on me about girls alright?” Dean watched Sam go into the bathroom, and sighed. He couldn’t believe Sam had done that. Sam loved Jess, Dean knew he did, what would make Sam do that? But honestly, Dean knew it wasn’t his business, so he packed all of his stuff up and when Sam came out of the bathroom they made their way out to the car, and just as they were about to get in a little boy ran out and bumped into Dean’s leg. 

“Better watch where you are going little man.” Dean said. The boy looked up at him.

“Sorry…” The boy said. 

“James! Come back here right now!” A blonde ran from the motel and towards the car. “Sorry, he is   
full of energy.”

“It’s okay, kids can be crazy.” The blonde smiled at Dean, but then frowned when she looked at Sam, and Sam knew instantly who it was. 

“Ren told me she saw you, I told her to kick you in the nuts for me, but instead, she slept with you. Guess I have shitty best friends, and ex-boyfriends.” Quinn slapped Sam hard across the face and Sam snorted. 

“You still pissed off about something that happened when we were fifteen, or is it because you are starting to come down off that high of yours and it is making you rage?” Quinn stared at him coldly. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about…” 

“Sure you do, I bet you got less then two hours before the shakes get uncontrollable, and that headache gets worse...”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you have a history with this type of thing. So who are you to lecture me?” 

“I wasn’t raising a kid, Quinn. Do you really think a five year old needs to see you like that? God, my brother and my Dad saw me like that and it nearly killed them.” 

“He’s six Sam… and I don’t need your parenting advice…” At that comment, Dean’s head whipped up. 

“Wait.” Dean said. “He’s six?” He turned to Sam. “Please tell me he ain’t yours.” Quinn laughed coldly.

“Don’t worry Dean, he isn’t a Winchester, thank God. I don’t really know who his Dad is, but he definitely isn’t yours Sam, I kinda lost my mind after you left, started using, sleeping around…”

“I’m sorry Quinn, believe it or not, I thought dumping you would keep you out of this mess, but I should have known better, and now you’re a lost cause. C’mon Dean, lets go.” The brother’s got in the car and drove off, Sam watched Quinn vanish as they ripped out of the parking lot, he felt like this could have been a way to close a chapter in his life, but instead because of what was pumping through his veins, that chapter was about to get much longer, and it was going to be even harder this time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

“Seriously? You are getting over your girlfriend by sleeping with your junkie exes, junkie best friend? Jesus Christ Sam I feel like I have fallen into an episode of the Hills or some shit. How can your life possibly be this dramatic?” Dean yelled. Sam blushed bright red and pushed himself against the door, trying to make himself smaller and in spite of his height and general giantness, he was succeeding quite well, but Dean wasn’t deterred. “What the hell were you thinking Sam? You are better then that!” 

“They weren’t junkies back then…” Dean stared at Sam out of the corner of his eye; Sam actually believed that was a decent answer for what happened last night?

“Seriously Sam? You expect me to believe that they weren’t using back then? When you had that exact same problem? I may not have taken off to go to some fancy college, but I am not that stupid.” Sam flinched at the mention of Stanford, they were both still raw from that. 

“I never thought you were stupid Dean. They weren’t junkies well Quinn wasn’t at least. God, I broke up with Quinn back then because I thought I was genuinely doing something good by trying to keep her out of that world… I didn’t know that she would turn to the same shit when I left. And as for Ren, I knew that she was dealing, but I didn’t know that she was using, at least not enough to be an addict.” Dean pulled the car over to the shoulder and shut the car off giving his brother a hard stare, he couldn’t believe it had taken so many years for him to put it together, he actually bought the story that some random guy had given Sam the drugs. 

“She is the one who gave you the coke back then, isn’t she?” 

“Yeah, she was…” 

“Jesus Christ… Sam.”

“It was six years ago Dean, we were teenagers, I wasn’t about to tell you or dad that a fifteen year old girl dragged me into that hole, she didn’t make me do anything back then, I made my choices, just let it go.” Dean tightened his hands on the steering wheel so he wouldn’t reach out and punch Sam in the mouth. Nothing felt worse then knowing that Sam lied to him, and every time he did it felt like a knife being twisted in his gut. 

“I don’t ever want you to see those people again Sam.” Sam stared at Dean in disbelief, he felt like a kid again, being told he wasn’t allowed to see them again. He didn’t want to anyway, but being told he couldn’t by his older brother made him feel like a petulant child. 

“I don’t plan on it, I don’t like what they turn me into…” Sam thought back to the night previously and subconsciously rubbed at the crook of his elbow where the two injection marks were, know that he was coming down he really did feel like shit about what had happened in Ren’s hotel room. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Dean didn’t like Sam’s tone, and he felt like he was being left out of a crucial part of the story. 

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll never see them again…” Sam felt the cigarette pack in his jacket pocket, and thought about the bag of white powder that was inside, he couldn’t use it, he had to kick this, but unlike when he was a teenager, he didn’t have any help in this fight, because Dean didn’t know, and Sam couldn’t tell him that he had messed up. That look on Dean’s face of utter disappointment the last time they had gone through this was more then Sam could handle right now. Dean was already mad at Sam about everything else Sam had done wrong. 

“Alright.” Dean didn’t have the time or energy to discuss Sam’s screw ups in the past. They had to find their Dad, and the thing that destroyed their lives. “Well time to head Black Water Ridge then?” Sam was shocked that Dean seemed to be letting this go, but he nodded his head and sat up in his seat. 

“Yeah, lets go.” The brothers sped off towards Black Water Ridge and when Sam woke up from his latest nightmare about Jessica, he was beginning to feel the affects of withdrawal, he needed a hit before they went into the woods, after that he would stop. 

Dean was beginning to notice something was wrong with Sam, he was angry, angry about being dragged back into the life he hated, and having to leave his dreams behind. Dean got that but this was different, it was rage. It started when they went to go interview Hayley, as soon as Dean said they had to go with her and protect her it was like something in Sam snapped. 

“We can not let that Hayley girl go out there.” Sam said. 

“Oh yeah? What are we gonna tell her? She can’t go into the woods because of a big scary monster?” Dean said it sarcastically, but it didn’t seem to deter Sam. 

“Yeah.” Sam replied. Dean looked at his brother like he was an idiot, they didn’t make a habit of telling people about the monsters in the dark, not unless they had to, it wasn’t like people ever believe them.

“Her brother’s missing Sam, she’s not just gonna sit this out, no we go with her, we protect her,   
and keep our eyes peeled for out fuzzy predator friend.” Sam eyed Dean coldly.

“So finding Dad’s not enough?” Sam said slamming the trunk hard. “Now we got to babysit too?” Dean watched Sam carefully, he was angry yet oddly detached at the same time. When Dean said nothing Sam stared hard at him. “What?” Sam snarled.

“Nothing…” Dean said and threw the bag of guns at Sam’s chest. Sam was like a powder keg, he was explosive and there were times during the Wendigo hunt where Sam would go quiet, and then minute later he would snap on somebody, and Dean didn’t like it, his younger brother was the level headed one and there was something distinctly wrong with the situation. Dean stood back and watched as Sam had a stand off with Roy.

“I was hunting these woods when your Mommy was still kissing you good night.” Roy said as he walked into Sam’s personal space, but Sam didn’t back down, if anything he stiffened even more.

“Yeah? It’s a damn near perfect hunter, it’s smarter then you, and it’s going to hunt you down and eat you alive unless we get your stupid sorry ass out of here.” Dean tensed, Sam wasn’t rude to people, it wasn’t in his nature. Roy just laughed and pushed Sam, which still didn’t make Sam back away.

“You know you’re crazy right?” Roy said.

“Yeah? You ever hunt a wend-“ At this point Dean stepped in, what the hell was Sam thinking telling Roy about the Wendigo? He pushed Sam back before it escalated. Sam backed away but Dean kept his hand on Sam’s chest.

“Chill out…” The hunt went on like that, and it was one of those hunts that Dean was happy when it was over. 

Dean thought it was just about Jessica, Sam had just lost the women he loved, and he only had his Dad to compare too, but his Dad definitely went off the deep end when his wife died, so after the hunt Dean let it go, because maybe Sam just needed to grieve, and there was no harm in that. After Black Water they pulled into a motel along a back road somewhere in Colorado, they both needed some sleep. When Dean came back out of the office, Sam was out of the car smoking a cigarette, Dean groaned but said nothing, Sam was smoking less then a pack a week, he had to be happy about that, and maybe now was not the time to nitpick about Sam’s little habit, they had bigger concerns. 

“Room twelve.” Dean said, Sam exhaled the smoke and looked over at his brother. 

“I’ll meet you there in a minute.” Sam said. 

“Are you getting sick Sammy? You look a little pale.” 

“No I’m not sick, I’m just tired.” 

“Okay, room is around back.” Dean pulled the car away and left Sam standing by the curb. Dean was right, Sam was getting sick, he was shaky and clammy, unfortunately this wasn’t the flu or something that be cured with medicine, he was withdrawing again. Sam sat down on the curb, and looked at the baggy inside his cigarette pack and he sighed, in that moment he knew that he needed help, and there was only one person that could help him. 

“This needs to stop…” Sam whispered to himself. He stood up and walked around back to the motel room. When he entered he heard the shower running so he sat down on the bed, facing towards the door and waited for Dean to finish. 

When Dean opened the bathroom door, he knew that something was wrong Sam was squeezing his hands together and sitting on the edge of the bed. Dean frowned, threw his towel in the corner and sat down across from Sam on the opposite bed. Sam was glassy eyed and wasn’t looking Dean in the eyes, but Dean knew he was about to get answers to something, cause this is what it looked like when Sam needed to talk. 

“Sammy? Are you okay?” Sam blinked a few times and then met Dean’s eyes.

“No, I’m not…” Sam began to cry, and Dean moved over onto the other bed, and brought Sam into a hug. Sam leaned into Dean and kept sobbing. Dean began to feel panic building up in his chest, sure Sam was always the more emotional Winchester, but he didn’t really cry either, not unless something really bad had happened.

“Jesus Sammy, please tell me what’s wrong?” 

“Dean… I’m… I’m having a bad day…” Dean blinked a few times remembering those words from Sam’s teenaged years, words he hadn’t heard in a very long time. Then he felt it, Sam was shaky and he was developing a fever, and Dean closed his eyes as tears threatened to fall. 

“You mean you already had a bad day?” Dean asked, but he already knew the answer to the question, if Sam was getting sick, it was already too late to talk Sam out of it, he had already taken the drugs. 

“Yeah…” 

“Sammy what did you do?” Sammy lifted his hand and placed the bag in Dean’s hand. Dean looked at the bag of white powder, they had already gone through this dance when Sam was fifteen, and Dean knew what was in that little bag. “Jesus Sam… you know better then this…” 

“I know… I’m sorry.” Suddenly Dean thought about the motel in Palo Alto a week earlier, when Sam had had a run in with his past. 

“Ren, when you stayed with her the night. She gave this shit to you…”

“Yeah, I’m not even sure how it happened, my mind blanked and suddenly she was sticking a needle in my arm, and then I felt better.” 

“You injected it? Sam, do you know how dangerous that is?”

“I didn’t think about it, I just wanted to be happy again.” 

“This isn’t happiness Sam, you know that, it just dulls everything else for a little while, it never makes it go away.” 

“I know, and I’m sorry, but now I need your help. I don’t want to be that person again, and I don’t want to be an insult to Jessica’s memory.”

“Okay Sammy, we’ll get you better, why didn’t you come to me first?”

“I left you, and I didn’t think you still wanted the responsibility of dealing with my bullshit anymore.” Dean laughed in spite of himself. 

“Kid, you can tell me anything, nothing has changed between us okay? Just please don’t ever do this to me again.”

“Okay Dean.”

“Alright, you are in for a rough week kiddo, and then I am gonna kick your ass for doing this to me again.” Sam sniffed as he tried to control his tears and sobbing.

“I really am sorry De… I know I screwed up…” Dean sighed and ran his hands through his little brothers hair. 

“Yeah… you did Sammy, but I should have known too… you were acting off all week, and I should have said something. In the back of my mind I knew this was a possibility, but I was in denial, and when you spent the night with Ren I should have said something to you, cause I knew in any normal situation you wouldn’t have hooked up with her, especially after Jessica…So I am sorry…” 

“It isn’t your job to take care of me anymore Dean…” Dean laughed. Sometimes for a smart kid, Sam could say the dumbest things. 

“That’s always going to be my job little brother… always.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:  
It had been seventeen long hours since Sam had told Dean that he had once again done cocaine and the worst was beginning. At the beginning Sam was cold and sweaty, and after awhile he started complaining of stomach pains. Dean just sat there, knowing he couldn’t do anything for Sam except let him ride it out, but the big brother in Dean was screaming for him to do something, anything to take away his little brothers pain, and then Sam started to cry, and the worst part of withdrawal started to happen, Sam started to beg. 

“Please Dean… I just need a little bit…” Sam cried, and grabbed onto Dean’s shirt. Dean just stared at the wall in front of him and ran his hand through Sam’s sweaty matted hair. 

“I can’t Sammy, you will be okay.” Sam pushed away from Dean. 

“I know you still have it! Just give it to me!” Sam screamed. 

“I don’t have it Sam, I flushed it, you are just gonna have to ride it out.” Sam screamed and hit Dean hard in the chest, before Dean wrapped his arms around him and held his arms to his sides. Sam bucked against his brother with all the strength he could muster.

“Dean! I need it! Please! Just once more.” Dean held back his tears he just shushed his brother. 

“It’s going to be okay little brother, I promise, remember you came to me, you want to stop I am trying to help you.” After awhile Sam stopped fighting and just started crying again. 

“It hurts De…”

“I know.” Sam hiccupped and put his hand over his mouth. 

“Sick…” Dean grabbed the bucket he had put on the floor the night before and held it while Sam threw up the little bit of water and bile left in his stomach, and then dry heaved. Dean pushed Sam’s sweaty bangs out of his face, and sighed. Why did his brother have to put himself through this again? 

“There is nothing left in your stomach Sam, stop before you hurt yourself.” Sam took a breath trying to control the dry heaving and then leaned back against Dean, to anyone else, two, twenty something guys laying in a bed, the younger one with his head on the older ones chest might have looked weird, but Dean didn’t care, he was just taking care of his brother, the same as he had the last time Sam had gone through all this, and he prayed to whoever was listening that this would be the last time. 

“Dean I’m sorry…” 

“I know. You don’t need to keep saying it.” 

“No I mean for everything… this, Stanford, all the trouble I caused.” Dean tensed, not ready to talk about Stanford. 

“Sammy, we can talk about this later okay? I’m not mad about any of it, not anymore. Right now I just want to get you better, so let me take care of you. ” Sam looked up at Dean, with those same big eyes that Dean remembered on the five year old version of Sam. 

“You’ve always take care of me De, nobody has ever cared as much as you do.” 

“I doubt that’s true, I am sure Jess did.” Sam tensed, and suddenly Dean wanted to take back what he had said, but the Sam smiled tiredly reminiscing about the times he was sick, and Jess took care of him, always doing her best to make him feel better. 

“I loved Jessica, I always will, and she did everything she could to make me happy… but she could never replace what I left behind, she wasn’t you, and I hate to admit it, but sometime a guy just needs his big brother.” Dean swallowed a lump in his throat, all that time Sam had been at Stanford, Dean had just wanted his little brother back, and he couldn’t stand the thought that maybe Sam didn’t need him anymore, but now sitting here in this run down motel room with a sick withdrawing Sam, he realized that his little brother still wanted him around and he realized that in a lot of ways, Sam was still that same skinny doe eyed fifteen year old who used to come to Dean with all his problems. 

“You are such a girl Sammy.” Sam attempted to give Dean a bitch face, but his eyes were drooping shut. He winced in pain, as he felt sharpness in his stomach again. 

“I’m not a girl.” Sam slurred. 

“Whatever you say kiddo, now try and get some sleep okay? You will feel better when you wake up.” Sam laughed sadly. 

“Liar.” Dean smirked, and kept his hand in Sam’s hair as he drifted off to sleep. He watched Sam sleep for a few minutes, content that just for a second he could pretend that Sam was sleeping peacefully instead of going through this awful drug withdrawal. Dean fell asleep soon after that but was woken up when his cell phone buzzed on the table. His left arm was falling asleep under Sam’s weight, but he didn’t have the heart to move his younger brother who finally seemed to be getting some decent sleep. So he just stretched over and grabbed the phone flipping it open. It was a text from an unknown number, but Dean knew who it was from. It was coordinates, and Dean sighed, sending a text message back. 

Sorry Dad, pass it on to someone else, I gotta take care of Sammy.  
After that Dean turned the cell phone off, he didn’t know if his Dad would call or message him back, but he didn’t want to know, the rest of the world would have to wait. The next time Dean woke up, Sam had rolled away from him, and was facing the opposite direction, so Dean stood up and went to the bathroom and changed his clothes. He made some motel coffee in the grungy coffee pot and sat down at the table with Sam’s laptop and he turned his cellphone back on, there were no more messages from their Dad, but there was a missed call from a hunter named Josh, who Dean had known for years, so Dean dialed the number back. 

“Turner.” The rough voice on the other end said. 

“Hey Josh, its Dean Winchester you called last night?” 

“Yeah, your dad called me and gave me some coordinates to a hunt, he said you turned it down, are you alright? I have never known you to turn down a hunt in your life.” 

“Yeah Josh, I’m fine I just have something else to deal with right now, sorry it got dumped on you.”

“It’s fine kid, I don’t mind… I heard Sam was with you, wasn’t he off at some fancy college or something?” Dean looked over at Sam, who was still asleep on the bed, he was shaking slightly, and he definitely needed a shower.

“Yeah he was… but things don’t always work out.” 

“Yeah, they never do in our line of work. You can’t take the hunter out of the boy, have you ever known anyone who left the life?” Dean sighed.

“No… I guess I don’t.” He wished he did, he wished Sam was still safe at Stanford, but it just wasn’t in the cards. 

“Well, say hey for me, and keep in touch alright? I’ll talk to you later kid.”

“See you around Josh.” Dean hung up the phone and flipped opened the laptop, researching freaky accidents just for something to do, but there was nothing going on in this town, and then Sam began to stir so Dean closed the laptop and went back over to Sam, who opened his eyes and looked at his brother. 

“Dean?” Sam said and coughed. 

“Welcome back to the world of the living.” Dean said passing Sam a bottle of water. “Drink this.” Sam grabbed the bottle with a shaky hand, sat up and took a sip. 

“Thanks.” Sam said quietly. 

“How are you feeling?” Sam shrugged.

“Still shaky, but it doesn’t hurt anymore.” 

“Good, hard parts almost over kiddo.” Sam laughed and shook his head. “What?” 

“This isn’t the hard part Dean, the hard part is every single day after this feeling goes away, once this is over, trying not to fall into the same hole all over again, when every single part of your brain is telling you that you should, just one more time.” Dean thought about that revelation, Sam and Dean had never really talked about it, Dean knew that Sam got urges, but he never thought about how hard same tried not to revert back to his old ways. 

“Yeah well, we are just gonna have to go back to the way things were, just tell me when you are having…. cravings and we’ll handle it.” Sam eyed Dean suspiciously. 

“Why are you being so calm about this? Aren’t you angry?” 

“I’m pissed, but you know how bad you screwed up, you don’t need me to tell you that, so I am gonna help you fight this instead, and if you ever do it again, I am gonna kick your ass, because I can’t sit through another detox with you.” 

“Okay Dean…” 

“Alright, now two more things we have to do.” 

“Which are?” Dean took a little bag of white powder out of his pocket, and Sam’s eyes widened, and he backed away from Dean. “You told me you flushed it.” 

“I lied, but it does need to be flushed, so flush it.” Dean put it in Sam’s hand and Sam looked at it longingly, but then looked back into his brothers eyes, Sam nodded his head, and threw the baggy in the toilet and quickly flushed it. 

“Now what?” He asked. Dean just smiled, and put a hand on Sam’s shoulder. 

“Now you take a shower, cause you stink.” Sam looked offended at first, but then laughed. 

“Good plan. Thanks Dean.” 

“Don’t thank me little brother, it’s my job.”


End file.
